A Previous Lament about the "Self"

Sometimes I'm so sick of my “Self” I could scream. Why do I carry around my old sins like badges of honor? Who cares that I once was an alcoholic? Or that I slept around before I received salvation? I haven't been those things in so long its like talking about a different person. And yet here I lie, carrying around my old sinful baggage. When I was washed clean by the blood of the Lamb all my sins went away. I'm a new creation, I'm a brand new man. All sins are washed away I'm born again. So, then by that logic I should have ceased to be a drunkard and a whore. And yet...

In some small way I feel as though I am calling God a liar and not trusting in His gifts. In a way I am hedging my bets against the afterlife that I intellectually believe, but sometimes cannot emotional comprehend. Why should God care about an insignificant speck such as myself? What's so great about me that Jesus came and died for all my sins forever and ever and ever and ever...? There I go again, tripping up on the same old trap. Self. Its like an odd place in the concrete that catches my foot and causes me to stumble. I hit it each time with my lead-off foot and take a header into the cement. Maybe I bruise up my knee or skin up my hands, it all depends on how hard and fast I was stepping. Self. That self important voice in the back of my head clamoring for a moment to make its case. Its constant call for an audience is a cacophony that is sometimes hard to ignore. I am never filled with self loathing as I am when I give into my “Self.” 

“Daily you must crucify...” Crucifixion is long, and crucifixion is painful. I must daily stake my “self' onto that tree and curse it dead. I must make a conscience effort to join that which I know to be true in my head with that which I know to be true in my heart. I must never take my eyes off the Cross or risk wandering lost in the wilderness.

When Christ came to die for us he came as the infinite God made flesh. He felt every pain we ever felt, was tempted by every sin we could possibly endure and died in the worst way imagined by man. He lived as us so that he could die for us. In the moment when he died all sins from the beginning of time to the end of time were held under that divine and beautiful sacrifice. No more would man have to go through long and specific tasks to achieve holiness. Now man could achieve holiness through a simple act of contrite obedience. And when he died on that cross and I believed and loved and trusted him for it I ceased to be a drunkard and a whore. This is a lovely and beautiful gift. 

The moment you trust in this gift and love him for it is the moment you are to give up your old “Self” and begin staking that loud obnoxious waste on the tree. You are no longer a Drunk, an Addict, a Liar, a Cheat, a Murderer, a Whore, a Thief. You are washed clean. Throw your old self to the executioner.

You ever wonder why we don't see Old Testament signs and wonders any more? Back in the Old Testament God spoke audibly and with regularity to His people. He also intervened in a very clear and powerful way. When God brought Israel into Canaan all they had to do was cross the Jordan and TAKE THE LAND OF BLESSING. Blessings aren't just going to happen because we want one. Blessings aren't going to happen because we recite some stupid mantra or a special prayer or a collage. Israel didn't receive the blessing of the promised land by sitting in Moab counting sheep. Joshua and Caleb lead them into war and they laid claim to their blessing. God wants to Bless you. Its true. Just don't expect it whilst you sit on your butt. Every battle that Israel won wasn't because of some military accident, or invention, or force of arms. It was because the Power and Majesty of Adonai Elohim (The Eternal Creator) was as real and plain as the hand in front of their face. It was because Adonai El-Shaddai (The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People) was their God and Master.

And He Still is. He is “I Am.” “I am that I am.” He is not dead, he is not made of stone or wood. He is not some fat fool garishly adorning the Chinese restaurants of America. He is not a bearded despot calling out for the genocide of nations in his heathen name. He is not a polyphonic deception of gods demanding impossible laws and self mutilating sacrifice. He is not the fictitious ramblings of a New York con artist. He is not the misrepresentation from centuries of an Italian theocratic dictatorship.

When Jesus left us he said “Greater works than all these we would do in his name.” The Holy Spirit that descended on the upper room wasn't just a gift for those times. If you believe that I have one outcry for you “WAKE UP AND SEE THE LOST!!! PEOPLE ARE IN PERIL OF EMMINENT DEATH!!!” Powers and principalities are waging a war for our souls right this very minute. The war between Heaven and Hell is very real. Demons and Angels do exist and they fight for you. Demons and evil spirits are being sent to oppress you and make you blind to the truth. They are empowering our SELF so that we will remain blind. Is it nothing to us hat this very instance people are dying who have NEVER HEARD of Christ Jesus? We have the power in our very grasp to undo the eons long bondage on this Earth.

“Since only the white light of Calvary's power can dissipate the black whoring of Hell, the only people who can change bleak circumstances and reverse the tide of encroaching evil wherever it rises are those who pray in Jesus' Name.” Jack Hayford

Why haven't we seen an outpouring of Biblical proportions yet in America? In Texas? In Sweeny? In this very building? 

We keep tripping up over our “Selves” and forgetting the promise and the purpose. IF we would crucify our “Self” and silence the voice of selfishness. IF we would instead listen for the voice of God. IF we would take the time “PEACE. BE STILL!” and wait in the presence of God. IF we would make His will our priority. IF we would stop despising ourselves because of our past. IF we would remember Who it is we serve and Why it is we serve Him. IF we really knew what 'serving Him' really meant.

Sometimes I am so sick of my “Self” I could puke. The Drunk and the Whore is long dead. The promise and blessing of God is just beginning. I am blind to reality because I am so self obsessed I can't go to the fountain and drink deep the water that gives life. I am so busy trying to make up for what I could have done whilst I was busy satisfying my libido that I am unconscious to what I can do right this bloody minute. I haven't fully staked my “Self” on that cross if I am still carrying around my old sin baggage. God forgave me long ago. Stake “Self” on the cross. Cross the Jordan. Go into the blessing. 

-N